(above:  the sidecar)

We have been waiting to make this a Nacho Monday Special for quite some time now.. and finally it has happened!  These are some of the best happy hour nachos Philly has to offer.  Fully loaded nachos, topped with pork and chorizo, and served with an attitude to tame your wild tortilla.  And don’t forget the other wild yeast, Bell’s Two Hearted is a regular on tap.  Don’t you wanna be my neighbor?

(above:  jose pistola’s)

No hesitation here, these are some excellent nachos.  They come fully equipped with all the right fixings to support the ultimate Nacho Rally.  And don’t you dare skimp yourself, order up all of the extras:  guacamole, chorizo, beef, and chicken.  Guaranteed to be a sure fire hit.  Now just in case you didn’t get your complete fill, and you’re looking for a late night hotdog special, then dive next door into the smoke haven, cheap beer cave known as McGlinchey’s.  Oh, and bring your Cheater friend with ya.

(above:  the mexican post)

This seemed to be a much more laid back, and mellow ‘nacho macho.’  Normally, the margeritas spike the vein of rowdiness, and send us out cooking turkeys on lanes coated with Feckin’ Pounders.  Excuse the mad slang..something only North Bowlers would understand.  Anyways,  we’re here for nachos.  Now I don’t know what the problem is with the waterfront side of town, but Olde City has some of the worst nachos I have ever had.  We all remember ‘Mad River,’ which is only a couple doors down, and right around the corner is ‘Nicks,’ which has the city’s soggiest nacho.  The Mexican Post might have tied Nick’s for soggiest nacho.  A couple of good things that it has going for it is the pre-nacho salsa, and the shredded chicken topping.  It sure did fancify that wet tortilla plate.  The ultimate kicker of approval is that Chap liked it, he didn’t love it.  At this point, enough has been said.  Oh, but we can never say enough about the $6.00 charge for extra guacamole!  That is practically the price of the nacho plate!  At least the bathroom didn’t smell like a public pool locker room… oh wait, it did.

(above:  o’neals)

Gotta love the outdoor patio seating.  Especially, when the temperatures are cooled down with the refreshing taste of happy hour beers.  And you gotta love the price of these beers when a fellow Macho offers to buy the first, and only, round of Miller Chill.  There might be a reason as to why these beers are so cheap, and it’s probably that they want this bad idea out of their summer inventory.  Nevertheless, we took ‘em down with a bitter smile.  And this smile continued into the heaping mound of nachos.  Nachos with a well-decorated exterior, but an interior that is more vacant than Joeseph of Arimathea’s tomb.  Nothing but a plain tortilla chip straight outta the bag.  Don’t get me wrong, they are good nachos, just not past the top layer.  I recommend ordering these nachos when you are upstairs crushing rounds of beer specials and bulls-eyes.  One eye on the bull and one eye on the nachos.  You don’t want that top-layer getting snagged.

(above:  el jarocho)

First off, there is nothing bad about these nachos, but at the same time, there is nothing great about them either.  At least not for me.  This probably has something to due with the fact that I had just eaten a plate of nachos at Garibaldi an hour before meeting the machos here.  I’m selfish I know.  I cheated El Jarocho.  If only I had avoided the back-to-back nachos and shown up with a fresh, clean palette then maybe my attention to detail would have been more precise.  So forgive me.  I can say that these nachos reminded me of the nachos we had at La Lupe.  The presentation, the texture, and the authenticity are spot on.  And they don’t skimp you out of the steak portions either.  If you want it, you got it.  Definitely a strong nacho plate.  They even hook yo stank breath up with complementary Chiclets after the meal.  Just don’t forget to bring the Coronas amigos.  It’s allowed and welcomed.

(above:  el camino real)

We have heard some great things about El Camino Real.  Their striving actions to fuse real barbecue with Tex-Mex cooking is what all the No Libs heads are raving about.  So, being as it may, we had to take a look inside.  And once we looked, we found that this bed of nachos had better wake up, because you don’t wanna fall asleep on a job where Dos Segunda’s works over-time.  There are some hungry mouths to feed, and El Camino Real just gave in their 2-weeks notice.  By no means are these unacceptable nachos.  They are good nachos.  They just refuse to stand out.  The juicy, southwestern styled steak is the one star that has the chance to shine, but the five pinky-sized strips robbed it of it’s shining ability.  If only they were the size of Shaq’s pinky.  That would be pretty legitimate. Too bad they were more like the size of Avril Lavigne’s pinky.

(above: la lupe)

Yes, it’s true.  Here at La Lupe you will find that ‘the red is red and the green is green.’  When we asked our waiter what is the difference between the red sauce and the green sauce, he simply replied ‘the red is red and the green is green.’ Honestly, what the hell does this mean?  I just ate a red crayon and I did not taste the color red, no I tasted a dense stick of wax.  Now will sombody please answer the lobster telephone, because this is ridiculous!  What might even be more ridiculous is the fact that sauteed is a mis-print for soggy.  The #96 ‘Chilaquiles Regulares’ called for sauteed nachos with a choice of red or green sauce.  These sauteed nachos were about as stable as a bundle of bricks in a wet paper bag.  And it didn’t make things easier to eat these soggy nachos without any personal plates.  But hey, it’s Macho Monday, so we’ll let it slide.  Despite the negatives that have been addressed, these are pretty damn good nachos.  Personal favorite of mine are the Pico de Gallo nachos.  They were completely authentic nachos.  The ‘real deal’ so to speak.  And what I mean by that, is that there is a full staff of mexican nationals, rather than having the proverbial Temple student spitting slang and sporting the backwards Yankees cap.  Not that there is anything wrong with the proverbial Temple student.  Just making the point of authenticity.  Ok.  One thing La Lupe pushes on the customers is the $3 plate of plantanes.  Every table has a picture, that is taking on the very table you sit at, of the $3 plate of plantanes.  I think Kyle says it all, ‘screw the plantanes.’ (see picture above)

(above:  dos segundos)

When you recall our last ‘official’ nacho monday, which would exclude the Bar-95 birthday celebration of nachos, then you would find us at the Cantina in South Philly.  Oh, and that was back in August, so you could say that this lil’ outing was well over-due.  And with that being said, we kinda don’t play around, unless that is, we are trying ever so desperately to redeem our 2nd grade math skillz of multiplication and division.  Good God, we could not divide a $70 tab of pre-game margaritas for the life of us.  This had to be reason why the bartender hooked us up with a free pitcher at our meal.  I mean, if we are gonna act like a bunch of idiots, then we might as well get stupid drunk.  But of course, we gotta pack our bellies beforehand.  So you best believe that we did with four fatty nacho mountains.  We decided on two of the steak nacho, which was the most solid of choices, followed closely by a pork nacho, and then trailing like dead weight on the Oregon Trail is the goat nacho.  I mean come on.  This goat nacho is a novelty nacho.  Just save yourself the 8 bucks and eat a spool of thread from the dollar store.  It would be just as satisfying.  Ok, now that we have gotten that outta the way, I can safely say that this joint burns a delicious flame.  So see you here soon.

(above:  north bowl)

Listen, I can’t let this noise go unheard.   I mean, just check that 4th frame on, Baybay!

(above:  cantina los caballitos)

these nachos got more snap, crackle, and pop than a bowl of rice krispies, and they be packed with enough meat to have macho man randy savage screaming, “ooohhh yeaahh!”…these guys couldnt even mess up the complementary pre-nacho with house salsa…i was sold from the get-go…even with close to no elbow room to work with, we still managed to turn that table upside down.. leaving no nacho artifacts to be collected.. none.. seriously, we dusted the table..nothing…one minor criticism..you couldnt really tell the chicken from the pork, but, hey..it didnt really matter…either way, that is one deliciously macho nacho…im just pleased that we substituted the pitchers of beer for some tasty pitchers of margaritas…’ooohhh-weee-ohhh-weee’.. (that sound is the only real comment i have on how pleased i am that we had some pitchers of tasty margaritas)..*note that it is a great sounding response*…in fact, such a great sounding response that it tapped its pretty little voice into the marrow of our bones, sending us on a mad dash to north bowl…oh dear… ok, so now at this point i have tucked your lil hand inside mine, just the way your grandmother clenches your hand at a funeral, ..yeah that way…trust me, i know how bad it hurts… we tore the floor at north bowl..and we took down a couple of livers with it…

(above:  north bowl)

(above:  bishop’s collar)

damn we be sittin’ heavy…slammin fist first into a gnarly slop of nacho fury…and don’t be a little candy striper making the conservative choice like the most of us did…live dangerously macho and roll completely ‘balls out’ by getting the chicken chili cheese nachos..this is the choice that is guaranteed to score points in any setting of macho debauchery…*insert gold star for big steve*  now don’t find yourself in a race to see who can be the first lil piggy to clean his trough…take the time to appreciate the even distribution of toppings throughout the layers of nachos…even more so, take the time to appreciate the use of the black, red, and gold chips..a classic favorite of our mexican restaurant chain, moe’s southwest grill…

(above: the abbaye)

now the abbaye can’t just tip-toe around the fact that they serve some killerly delicious nachos..no, they have to dance all over that mess! it has been stated that the royal tavern, which is the prime contender, has a plate of ‘dancing nachos’…a nacho that is so well dressed that you can feel the beat on the dance floor with every bite…no joke..but last week at the abbaye, i do believe that we have found its match…the presentation for these nachos were well played, and all chips were decorated with the right amount of zing to keep us satisfied…one noticeable difference was the size comparison…the royal definitely rocks a nacho plate that could easily be dinner for two at only $9, whereas, the abbaye has the perfected proportion of nachos for one hungry eater at only $8…both, however, are absolutely worth the cash…the abbaye also offers three different toppers: chicken, veggie chilli, or shrimp…we chose to try all three..maybe you should as well..

p.s. if you find yourself wanting to win a game of doubles in pool, then don’t pick this guy..

(above: the druid’s keep) i <3 big steve..

(above: royal tavern- below: el vez)

to start, i must say that the documentation for the royal tavern’s nachos is pretty piss poor because there nachos are piled on chin high…and that is not too far of an exaggeration..ok, somewhat of an exaggeration… but hey, it takes 2 starving people to even come close to finishing this mound of heaven…oh and you got to get it with the chicken…absolutely worth the extra $3…don’t get me wrong, the nachos at el vez are just as filling, mainly because of there alleged ’3 cheese blend’…honestly, it was 2 cheeses too heavy….once again, don’t get me wrong, they were mouth watering from the get go, but once i got 10 chips deep in that plate, i just lost interest…became slightly too soupy with black beans and stringed beef….also, don’t forget that you were punched in the face with the 3 cheese blend…hey, im not saying that they were terrible, im just saying that the next time i go to el vez, i might try something different…keep in mind that this is considered to be shared as an appetitizer, not a main course…now if you want a recommendation as to where to never get nachos then take yourself to old city and get the worst of the worst….the madriver nacho collection… oh yeah, just save yourself the time, money and effort, and take yourself to the grocery store..buy a family sized bag of toastetitos, a quart size of kc masterpiece bbq sauce and a bag of the mexican blend cheese..microwave 2 minutes and enjoy…expect nothing different..even dip your mcdonalds chick’n mcnuggets in that plate..and if confused see picture below…

(above: madriver)